My Journal

12 Jun 10 

0153- I hurt my knee a couple of days ago.  Now I have a bad case of cellulitis.  Which means I am stuck in bed, on incredible drugs, and have plenty of time on my hands.  

It is taking me forever to write this book!  Not because I don 't know the story, I do, I lived it, I am living it.  But because I can't figure out how I want to express to you, the reader, and you, the ass holes, hell bent to make my life miserable, the ones who did the right thing, because it was the right thing to do and the ones I have loved and still love.  To write in such a way that the true meaning, and an understanding of the last fifty plus years have been like for me. 

My intentions are not to be hurtful to those who seamed to intentionally, and joyfully make me feel  life, my life, was not worth living, but to let it be known that at times because of these actions I did consider ending it. 

I don't want to write with anger, even though there were and still are times I remember something and I am consumed with rage as if it were happening at that moment only ten times worse because now there are factors which make the original act  even more senseless than when it was done. 

I also want you to feel the love, and know I mean you, when I write of something you did so small you probley did not know you did it, but at that time it made the difference between me doing something stupid and living another day.

Knowing what, and why, things have gone the way they did, I would not change 99.9% of it on a do over.  All of it, good, and bad makes me, me.   I am nowhere near perfect, and I have screwed up enough crap for a couple of life times, but I still love me, and am able to look  myself in the mirrow most days.

There are people who's mere presence in my life, have changed it for the good and led me down the paths I have, and will continue to walk.  And far too many people I wish to God I had never met, uttered the name, or had them know of my excistance.

I am also aware my presence has changed lives.  Mostly for the better I pray, but there were many times when I have been totally clueless, naive, or what others more eloquently refer to as a bitch!  Even though at the time, I thought I was doing my job. 

Most of which was in the days before kids and such, when things seemed to be only in black or white, with no room for gray.

The most important thing I have learned is forgivness.  To forgive those who have hurt me, but not to forget.  I have also learned to forgive myself.

I have opened the door to love, anger,foregivness, and death.  Sex , religion, marriage, children, abuse, assault ,bad dam conduct, fear, politics and more are still to come.   

I recieved a guestbook comment asking what the command climate was. at the time all the new and wonderfull things were taking place in my life.  Thankfully it was enough to spark enough interest for me to make this entry.  I welcome more thoughts and questions. 

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